Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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