alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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