I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
