I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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