she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
