Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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