Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club