cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.