I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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