my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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