Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
