Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
