i need an iv and a liver transplant
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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