Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
