dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You're like the curious george of whores
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
