I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
