Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I could make wine with my vomit
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so let's talk penis.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
