just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
