Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
