Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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