it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
