You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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