they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
