It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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