Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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