It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
