i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
