Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
