We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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