They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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