SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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