We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
