Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
