Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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