I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
