Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
In America we eat man semen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
