whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why do cheetos always look like penises
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
