I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
