You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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