Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
