Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
