Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
