I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
