If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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