drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
