You can't motorboat a personality
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
