does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
