she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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