I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
