I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
