Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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