Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
