She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
