the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
