Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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