genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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