Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
