i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
