The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
