I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
